The Actual Artistic Process

What’s that? 

Oh. My. God.

I like this…

I love this…

I can do that…

I want to do that...

I can do this…

I can do this.

Hey, I did it!

That was awesome! 

Let’s do it again.

I am good at this…

I am better than other people at this…

I am the best at this…

This defines me...

I should be a pro at this…

I should study this….

I suck at this…

I am the worst at this…

Everyone is better at this than me…

I should quit…

But, I like this…

I am okay at this…

I’m not too bad at this…

I’m pretty good at this…

Damn, I’m good! 

I suck.

Goddamnit. 

Fuck.

Why did I do this?

​I’m a failure. 

I’m a fraud. 

Everyone knows.

Okay.

I’m not that bad. 

I’m better than that guy. 

And him.

And her. 

And definately them. 

But I’m not as good as them, or them, and especially them.

Am I good enough?

I think I’m good enough. 

Nope.

Yep.

No.

Maybe.

Definitely not. 

Eh….

You know what, fuck those guys.

Yeah, fuck ‘em.

I love this shit.

I don’t care about anyone’s opinion, this makes me happy!

Oh, fuck me, why did I ever decide to do this?

shit Shit SHit SHIt SHIT!

Hey, that wasn’t so bad. 

Fuck me, I’m pretty good. You know what? They didn’t know a god damn thing.

Hey, hey, this is going well. 

Alright. 

Sweet. 

Awesome. 

oh fuck. 

Really?

Really!

Really.

Okay, wait.

This is just like before. 

I can do this. 

Just one more time.

Here we go. 

You got this. 

You.

Got. 

This. 

What!

Really! 

Me?

YES!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Why did I ever doubt myself?

I never doubted myself!

I always knew. 

I didn’t need anyone’s help.

It’s always been me.

Me, me, me, 

I, I, I, and--

Fuck.

Missed it. 

I sucked.

What was I thinking?

I’m a fraud

Everyone knows.

They were always right.

That’s it.

It’s time.

Time to hang ‘em up.

All those other guys, they were smarter. 

More talented.

They had it.

I don’t.

And, am I really going to live my life like this?

Like this?

In this place? With this life?

Is this even worth it?

I’m smarter than this. 

I’m better than this. 

I can do anything. 

But,

I don’t want to do anything. 

I want to do this. 

FUCK!

Why don’t I want to do something else?

Come on, I can do something else. 

Let’s try this. 

No.

Or this?

Nope.

Maybe this.

Not even close.

Shit. 

God I miss that. 

If I could just…

No. 

No, no, no. 

We are doing this now. 

It’s smarter, more productive, more reasonable. 

This is what adults do. 

Besides, there’s not enough time. 

It’s too late. 

You’re too old, too dumb, too awkward. 

Maybe if things were different,

It’s just not in your stars. 

I mean, the fate’s were aligned against you,

You were born in the wrong place, 

The wrong time, 

The wrong--

Maybe just one more time,

I mean, if shit hits the fan we can always go back to…

Yeah, but, I mean, shouldn’t I burn the bridges--or is it boats? 

“Once more unto the breach dear friends!”

Hm. 

Maybe. 

Nah. It’s over. 

I was a hack. 

This is smarter.  I’m being responsible. 

Responsible. 

Responsible. 

Re--

…

This is who I am. 

I’ve got to do this. 

(deep breath) 

Here we go.